116 The hard truth

 Xin and I sat at the hut. We'd been developing our skills during the winter months and were almost ready to leave. 

Xin had spent her time learning more about herbal medicines, garden techniques and millinery skills as well as developing her physical stamina when it came to fighting. She was already very skilled with her twin knives and practiced regularly with that sling of hers. She was deadly with it. That, coupled with her knowledge of poisons was both impressive and scary at the same time.Not a lady to be on the wrong side of, that's for sure.

She knew what she would be doing when we left and was ready. All she had left to do was gather together the supplies she wished to take from here

Me? I'd used the winter to learn new fighting techniques from other clans. We had a group of monks come down from the hills and they imparted a new way of fighting which felt right to me and fitted in with the flow of my world. I soaked it up and by the end of the winter period, had become fairly proficient.

I spent many an hour in the forge too, and had grown more confident in techniques the Masters were willing to teach me. So many metal combinations, so much folding, re-heating, re-beating. My arms and shoulders were more like that of a man, and my back was stronger than many a warrior. 

No-one in their wildest dreams could say I looked elegant in anything other that my fighting clothes. My hair was still long but I tied it in the same fashion as a man. My face was scared, as were my arms and torso. If any man came close, they would run the other way, but I didn't care, I knew something most didn't and that was the way of the forests, a world I could return to any time and vanish even from here. I loved here, but it didn't define me. 

The flow of the river define me.

I had spent much time in the presence of the monks and listened to their philosophy. It made sense. It tied in with the Red Book. I talked to them about this and one of the old monks smiled, "you are indeed blessed to have glimpsed that book, let alone open it. Realisation allows you to open the book but does not teach you how to read or turn the pages. You are gifted with the eyes of the forest. They know. They read the book and live by it, as you do."

Yes, I was a hunter, a fighter, a product of the forests, both a loner and a creator of groups who were loyal to each other. 

I understood the wolf pack.

 Xin was the detail. She brought the needs of society to our table. Of creating and developing the financial independence of these groups. Teaching them how to flourish, how to survive, whilst I gave them.....what did I give them? I still didn't know. Protection maybe?

Where were we going?

Back to Chenxi, those women deserved our support. We knew first hand, the abuse they would have and still were going through, and we were not going to idly sit and watch it unfold. Xin was particularly keen. Her wounds were still fresh and she wanted to release the emotional baggage by helping others.

We also had a few scores top settle. The abusers needed to meet us. I smiled. We needed to meet them, they didn't necessarily want to meet us. 

I laughed out loud.

"What you laughing at?" Xin was pouring water into a large cooking pot and cutting up vegetables.

"Oh, nothing really. Just thinking of those Mu men in Chenxi. I'm looking forward to meeting them." I laughed again.

"You are so ... here, cut up the meat you brought, let's have a hotpot."

I did as I was told and we continued to chat as we prepared the meal.

"Will you ever marry Hao, you know legally and all that?" She quizzically gazed into my face, which probably held a mix of emotions. I stoked the fire.

"No. I'm barren remember, I'm no use as a legal wife. I cannot produce chicks, I will never fulfill the role of heir giver. Anyway, can you see me coping with all that formal stuff?"

She laughed, "No, I can't, any more than I could do all that simpering and gossiping, being the loyal, gentle wife." She threw her head back and laughed with such amusement. "Imagine me, dressed in fashion, being a sweet, demure, woman. It'd never work."

I started to laugh, "and me, kowtowing to men. Being a gentle woman with these scars and battle marks." We both roared with laughter, crying at the absurdity of it. The more we talked the more we laughed and the more the tears fell.

Xin wiped her eyes, "but seriously, no, stop laughing, seriously, what are you going to tell Hao?"

"The hard truth. We are a couple in the sight of Heaven and Earth. We have laid together under the stars and we have consummated that union. I am his Alpha forever, but if he has to wed and produce heirs, then I stand back and disappear. I cannot stay and watch him with another."

The mood dropped, and we sobered up from our laughter.

"Come, lets not think about this just now. The hotpot is ready and you have the meat cut ready to drop into the broth?"

I nodded and silently, we ate a beautiful meal together. "You'll always have me," she said, as I took another strip of meat and dropped it into the pot to cook.

The sound of footsteps approaching echoed through the dry ground. Looking up we saw Hao and Bǎo approaching. "You're a bit late for hotpot, but do you two fancy some tea, I'm just about to pour of the first brew?"

Bǎo flopped down by Xin, "We've already eaten, but there's always room for dessert.." and with that he pushed her backwards and started playing as only lovers do.

Hao looked pensive, "May I?" he held his hand out as if gesturing to sit next to me.

"Why so formal Hao? What's happened? Tell me?" He turned his head and looked into my eyes. The pain told me. "Your father? Am I right?" He nodded. 

"He's on at me once more to take a legal wife and have children. He's after an heir." He looked imploringly at me, "What do I do? I love you. You are my wife. We have sealed it. I cannot take a legal wife, she would be a concubine in my eyes, and I don't want one. What do I do?"

Bǎo stopped play fighting and looked at Hao. "Stop this! Look at our women! These are our women! I know she can never give me children, so what. There are plenty of children with no family, just like she was. They will be my heirs. You? What's the problem? So they aren't blood. I'm not blood, but you treat me as a brother! I've taken the Chen name!"

"It's not the same...." Hao was cut off mid stride.

In one swift move, Bǎo had stood up and slapped Hao, hard round the face.

"Don't! Don't ever say its not the same! We carry the same rank, we command the same level of respect in the Chen military! Don't give me this sob story that, oh, because I'm the second son of the one time Colonel, that makes me special. It doesn't. It just means you've had it easier than most, that's all." He stomped back to his seat next to Xin, and wrapping his arm around her waist he looked over at the dejected Hao. "Sometimes you really make me sick! You're a great Colonel, you're brilliant with the men, but useless when it comes to standing squarely by Niao's side. Think!" With that Bǎo turned to Xin, "let's give these two space," and with that they got up and moved away from the fire to sit by the garden and talk about plans.

I looked at Hao. He was weak when it came to anything emotional. I was the back bone, but it was time he stood firm. I couldn't, wouldn't carry him emotionally and if this meant I parted from him, then I would. Taking a deep breath I began.

"Hao, listen to me. You must take charge of this yourself. Don't rely on your brother, Bǎo or myself because this time its your fight. I have told you before, if I have to walk away I will and I will vanish into the forests once more. I have walked  many miles and I can walk many more. There are places I've not seen, places I would like to visit. I stay because I am loyal to my pack, but when the pack rejects a member for whatever reason, it leaves and looks for another elsewhere."

Hao flinched and panicked as he always did. He went to say something, but I cut him off, "I am not your crutch, your umbrella, I'm not your sanctuary to hide in. If I am not your equal then you are not worthy of me."

He howled with the pain. I had no idea how his mind was processing this but I imagined he was hearing words that terrified him. He had never had emotional security whilst growing up, that I knew, but he was not going to transfer all that onto me. However much I loved him, I loved him enough not to wish to possess him and could let him go to find himself. This period of separation was going to be useful.

"Xin and I are leaving soon." His head whipped round. Wide eyed, scared like a rabbit, he grabbed my shoulders. "You leaving me? Where are you going? How could you do this to me?"

"Stop!" I was angry at this selfish outburst. "Me, me, me! Ridiculous! We have work to do." I looked at him and he saw the anger flash into my eyes. "Believe it or not, we too have things to do. Not just being here as your security blanket. We are going to Chenxi and we are going to start re-building the women's lives there. No, you are not invited. You stay here with the army and carry on the missions you have to complete. Hopefully, by the time the army returns things will have improved."

 

Bǎo looked over. He could tell I had said all I was going to say. The two of them returned to the fire.

"Enough of all this heart wrenching stuff. You two will be gone soon, so let's celebrate you next adventure. I have a flask of saké ready to be drunk, so let's celebrate, and Hao, let it go."

Xin passed the tea vessels over and Bǎo poured generous quantities into each of the cups.

"Cheer everyone!" and with that, downed the first of many that night.