17 An aching heart

My soul cried out for solitude. I just wanted to go back into the woods and find some peace. To go back to my own world and stop listening to all this chatter of people. 

The way they speak about one another, the tittle tattling, the commenting on people's looks and behaviors and attitudes. And the, " did you hear what Mrs. So-and-so said?" and, 'have you seen what so-and-so did?

I've had enough.

I just wanted to go and be alone.

My soul hurt, my heart hurt. I hurt. I just wanted peace. 

Alpha padded along beside me and we made our back to the camp. I made food for the pair of us and as it cooked, I settled myself down. 

I needed to meditate.

I needed to stand still, long enough to find myself again.

Settling down by fire, I crossed my legs, placed my back against alpha's and stared into the wood flames. I just needed to hear the sounds of the fire as it crackled and the pot as it cooked, the rustling of the trees, the movements of those living in the leaf litter, of those which flew and called. I wanted to become part of it once more. 

I found human company hard work, too much for my head. Too much for my heart. I wasn't interested.  I didn't want to know. I just wanted to do my work. Do my job and come back here with alpha. 

I've not seen Xin for weeks. In fact, it was probably nearer two months. I didn't know if she would ever come back. 

I knew she was in the town and I presumed she was staying at the milliner's house. I hoped so and thanked the heavens for my time with her, but now it was time to restore myself back to just being me. 

I've had time at the hearth and I've made myself a new knife which is good. It was certainly better than the first one I made. I turned it in my hand and looked at the work. I've grown up a bit since I made that first one, and can wield the hammer with more rhythm. My strength is there too so I can beat a more consistent blade.  

I ran my thumb along it's edge. It holds its edge now and will become the main knife soon.

I'm still attached to the old, familiar one, but as time passes I know the old one will become a spare but at the moment.....

I still rely on the old one for cooking but as I get used to the weight of the new knife, I will certainly be using that when I go out to hunt. 

Second master had let me make a small bow which I could dismantle and put in my bundle. It is really useful.  I've made some iron tips and tied them to wooden shafts. 

They fly in a similar way to bolts and kill cleanly. If I wanted the pelts for my own clothing then a blood free or at least slash free pelt is preferable. I grinned at the problems I had had in the past getting blood spatter out of stuff. It was a real problem, it attracted all sorts of insects intent on the blood and as a consequence destroying the fur.

I stirred the pot and waited for it to cook. Alpha lifted her head and sniffed the air. She could smell the smells coming from the cooking pot too, and licking her jowls of drool, I heard that  slathering sound of a very hungry dog. 

"You hungry girl? I am too. Not long and then we shall eat."

 One of the village women had let me have some bread. So Alpha had a bowl of the meat stew and I had a piece of bread dipped in the juices.

Slowly, I was beginning to find my way back to that even, quiet I craved. 

I had heard the calls of the wolf pack a few days ago, letting us know they were moving to an area with richer pickings. I'd not been doing my duty as an Alpha should and they had elected another and were moving on. 

I'd miss their presence but as with all things, things come, things go, that's the way of the world. 

Since they'd left, the sounds around had changed considerably. The woods were vibrant with herbivores grazing peacefully, the sound of rustling in the trees and the snuffling in the leaf litter.

Yep, the predators had gone and the prey were out to play.

I settled by the fire once more and, with full belly, stared into the flames. 

I started to remember some of the things I had seen and I had learned from the natural world. Far easier to understand than the complexities of the emotional world of human beings. To me it seem too complex, too busy, two-faced too.  Well, just not a very nice way to live. Where was the acceptance? The appreciation? The joy?

At least you knew where you stood with an animal. 

It either ate you or you ate it. 

If you are equal to it in the pecking order of edibles, then you gave it respect. You were polite. You followed rules and everyone got on with their own lives. 

From what I could tell human society was all about being nosy, and making comments about other people's lives.  I didn't understand why did it matter  what somebody else did in their life? Wasn't it more important to live in the present and enjoy life rather than going on about things that had happened in the past? 

Well, the past is past, you can't change it, and the more you look at it and the more you dwell in it, the less you'll not be in the present and even more unlikely to get a chance of looking forward with any pleasure to the future. 

The more you go on about unimportant stuff, the less you realize, the world moves on even if you get stuck in the business of others. And as it moves on, you get left further and further behind, until you become irrelevant.  I threw my arms up in disbelief, " everyday is the same, but different. The sun rises, the sun sets. New experiences come and go whether we experience them or not. It's not going to make any difference, what one person says about another? 

In 10 years time the river water has flowed to the sea, in fifty, the tree has grown tree older and now falls.  

It's all the same beneath the sun."

I threw my hands up into the air in despair, the stood to clear up.

Pulling together our belongings towards the sleeping cot, I rehung the oil skin so as to keep us dry tonight and wrapping myself up in the skins and nestling against alpha, I slept.

I dreamt of warm places. Of green grass, blue skies, white clouds and plenty of food. 

I dreamt of cherry blossom and the sweet smell as it lingered in the air.