50 A Waiting Game

The world seemed to run at twin speeds. The barracks was a hive of activity preparing to move out.
Provision wagons, armaments, tents and living paraphernalia littered the parade ground. No drills, no blade practise,  just running around completing errands, duties, calls.
Me? I was lost in a moment. Lost in that split second when I felt her disintegrate before my father. That moment a fine, kind and gentle creature of the wild was destroyed by a man consumed with hatred.
It wasn't until that moment I realised I had never protected her, she had always been protecting me. That in her world I was nothing but an amateur and she was the master. The moment I needed to protect her in my world, I failed. 
Twice. 
My brother tried but even his kindness failed to create a protective blanket around her.
I walked back to the house. 
Our house in the woods, where the world was calm, the river ran regardless of Man's greed, avarice, or desire for power.
I watched it as it flowed over the boulders and in my head I heard her telling me water was the strongest thing on earth. It could wear away mountains, create rivers, tear countries apart. 
She told me how mankind occupies the very margins of the waterway of life, where the most damage is done.  To be truly free, you move away from the banks and into the centre where the waters carry you without effort.
I realised tears were rolling down my face. I wasn't crying, but the sorrow was finding its way to the surface.
Wiping my face I went inside as I did most days and checked everything was as she left it.
I brought fresh flowers and placed them in a jar on the table. 
I cleared the dust from the surfaces and listened to my head as it relived things we had done together. 
Tears stained the floor. 
I missed her.
A grown man, reduced by shame, guilt, and loneliness because of the genuineness of a wild woman, who's knowledge and understanding of the world around outstripped us all. 
She showed me how little I knew, how worthless I was.
I was an excellent soldier, good with a sword, capable of leading men into battle, often to their death, but what else?
"Why are you here?" a quiet voice cut through my thoughts. Wiping my eyes I turned round and there she stood, rolled skins under one arm and her bundle over her shoulder.
"You're back!" I couldn't contain it any longer and wrapped my arms around her, "I let you down again. I'm so sorry. I'm....."
"It's okay," she replied, gently pushing me back, " I am not equipped to deal with emotions like that. I've lived a very different life since I was very young," her hand was still on my chest as she spoke, a gentleness in her voice that broke my inadequate heart further, " I have moved back to the centre of the river." She smiled, "I'm fine now, but I will never meet him again in this lifetime. I do not wish to be pulled into the maelstrom of the banks. Can you accept that?"
I nodded. At that moment I would have agreed to anything. To have her back in my life.....
Taking her skins out of her arms, and lowering her bundle gently to the floor I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her hair.
Breathing in the heady scent of her being, I found strength, " teach me your ways. Let me live with you. Let me be your husband in this world, in this lifetime. Stay with me? Come with me? I need you to come with me?" Grabbing her tightly, "we move out in a week and I can't bear it if you weren't there. What would happen if....."
I couldn't speak any more and genuinely cried. It didn't matter if I was a grown man, with her I was just a human being who was hurting.
Pulling me back, she looked into my eyes and smiled. Wiping my face, " so are you going to explain to me what's going on? Come. Let's make some tea and sit outside for a while whilst you explain everything. Then we can make plans. But," she held a finger up at my face, "remember, I will never stand in front of your father again. That is my one condition."
I nodded furiously. I didn't wish to face him again either. I had no more to say to that man.

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